Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Falling apart, and coming back together.

I was up late checking in with the election, and in awe when I heard the results. I fell asleep feeling damp and cold and woke up with a headache and buzz.

It was rain all day, but I had to move - to see the doctor at 10 o'clock. I asked about Paxil, because now's the time if there ever is one. She studied her iPhone and said something about it being incompatible, even though she gave it to me last year. She looked up Zoloft, and I didn't like the sound of that, but her phone said it was incompatible as well.

"Which is more important?" she asked. I was in disbelief. I'm fucking falling apart. "I need Adderall to work at all." I answered, but that's all I could get across.

I need a new doctor. Sometimes she asks a question, and I can see clearly that she ignores my response. Her exam tables were made in the Soviet Union, and I think she mostly sells prescription wrinkle creams. I go there because it is the path of least resistance, and I take that path every time. I need a doctor who knows about ADHD and pretends to give a shit when my mind is broken glass.

I went outside in the rain again, unaware of the result. I guess I'll see if CVS has depression meds for me, because I got no clear answer about that. I climbed in my van, and turned on the radio, which is tuned permanently to NPR.

I turned off the radio immediately. I'd had coffee, no breakfast, and was almost still drunk. My skin felt like cold steel covered in condensation. I backed out of my spot, and started to drive away.

Nope! That won't work. I pulled over and started to sob.

I yelled and used logic and put it in drive, and made it back to home base. I had eggs and more coffee and stacked up some books, and made a pile of boxes as well.

I can fix myself partially by blasting Big Freedia in the van as I creep around in the rain. My friend made a pizza and we watched some TV, and I fell asleep next to a creek.

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