at times like this I get close.

Money doesn’t do it for me. Sometimes I wish that it did. I’m not paying rent and I’m still broke. I’m uncomfortable. Laura pays when we go out and it’s been a year since I was generous. I’ve been hoping for two years that woodworking will pull me out of the weeds. I’ve been hoping for magic that hasn’t happened yet.

I want to keep doing what I’m doing but I don’t want the pressure. I don’t want to feel like I’m failing. I want this to feel natural and I want to know that it’s okay for progress to be slow. I want to be reassured that my strange looking progress is my process. I want to make $16,000 a year and not break down crying when I’m not sad. I do not wish for average typical brain functioning but at times like this I get close.

I want that to be the whole thing.

I’m still doing that thing where your human body is violin strings. Besides that I’m getting better at wood working. I’m in my shop that’s two out of three bays in my mom’s garage in Kennett. I’m listening to the Sandhills EP by Toro y Moi and it isn’t anything like I expected. I love this.

I made a table for Kyler. He asked for something that would fit his drink. I made it and I am proud of how it turned out.

I got back from the Appalachian Trail with Jonas on Monday. Seven days and fifty miles or something like that.

I want to be warm and make stuff and have that be ok. I want that to be the whole thing.