Thursday, August 22, 2019

I'm moving to Chicago.

A lot has transpired, and a lot is in motion. I am back together with Chance, thank god, and we are moving to Chicago. Right now I am having a fucked up ADHD day, and I want to post an update here, but I can hardly articulate a single thing I want to say. This stuff that I say - writing here - has gone on far longer than makes any sense. I never write about the cool stuff anymore. This is a personal blog where I used to be proud to post every feeling I had. I can't do that the same way I used to. I am the same person, and life simply keeps chugging along. I don't have so many fresh epiphanies or realizations about myself or the nature of existing as a human being on Earth. I am simply doing it, and I don't have so much to say.

I am absolutely confused and overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I fail to have a sense of reality, and I feel I have always been groundless in that regard. I am a fleshy bag of guts and emotions with electrical charges shooting aimlessly through gray water. At my best times, I find this state hilarious.

Everything is as it should be. How it must be. I am not depressed, I am simply out of my mind.

At times on a bicycle, in a place that is unfamiliar, I look for the highest point and ride to it. I find a path or destination, and follow an invisible thread. That is the only thing I do. That is the only thing of which I am capable.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Breaking up with Chance.

I was seeing somebody for four months. We broke up. I broke up with them two days ago, and last night we talked calmly and the breakup really set in. Now I am back on the ocean, adrift. I feel nauseous. I feel hopeful, but mostly horrible. I keep replaying pieces of the last four months in my mind. There is no button for Stop. I am always going to be okay no matter what. There is no button for Fast Forward. (Life is evidently more complex than a VCR.)

When I arrived in Austin, I was full of hope. This is the opportunity which I created to start fresh. It still is. I can't talk about the relationship now. Another person's privacy; I can't right now anyway.

I am fighting to find a new track and stay on it. I am begging the universe.

I stayed at their apartment almost every night. Our lives got massively intertwined almost immediately. Beautifully at times. Now I am in detox. I broke up because logic told me to, not because we couldn't have been together longer. I broke up because my gut told me to find the courage to do what ought to be done. We are different people who need different things.

It feels less like pulling off a band-aid and more like creating a fresh wound.

I hope I am able to find the track. I feel like I am close. I have every single ingredient, I just need to learn how to cook.