Loving Bicycles Will Conquer The Planet.

The best bicycle for you depends on your needs. I want the one that I love. It needs to be cheap and amusing. It needs to be comfortable and robust. It needs to have components which are compatible with long-term industry standards. I need a frame which could not be dented with a jackhammer. My going rate is, say, twenty bucks...

When you go to new places, you need to take a bicycle with you. It needs to be easy to fit on any type of rack. It needs to be scratched up, so you never mind locking it - anywhere or to anything.

The best bicycle needs to go fast. It's okay if it takes a little bit longer to gain momentum, because all bicycles are fast once you get them to speed. Wide tires and fenders and storage are mandatory, so the bicycle you love will be heavier than all of the ones that you don't.

My bicycle lives outside. It needs lube on the chain, or technically a new chain, but I am in no sort of hurry for that. The chain is stretched, the cogs are fucked, and there is a bit of rust developing under the top tube. The middle chainring needs to be swapped out again - when you lean into the pedals, the chain seats with an audible click. This is an aspect not a problem. I have thousands of miles before anything slips.

I have a rack with a milk crate, which is held on with hoseclamps. Zip ties hold the fenders together everywhere they've cracked. I have a double thick layer of handlebar tape wrapped on top of some old sticky grips. I have wide pedals, and a ten-year-old Brooks, because I am unwilling to compromise on comfort.

When you see me or my bicycle, you do not feel impressed very much. But we are in love, so leave us alone, as we slowly take over the planet.