It's 7:21pm. I'm sitting passenger-side in Tara's car. We're in the turn lane to get out of Hockessin Delaware where the reliable booze store exists. We're headed back to the Pennsylvania side of the line where obtaining beer requires more forethought. That shitty song that goes "your sex is on fire" is playing on the radio. I hate that song. In my brain, a certain Jason Aldean track is playing. In my brain I'm 40 feet below the surface of a lake.
I have a beer in my hand and a bottle of whiskey at my feet. We're headed to Tara's folks house because they're out of town. I can't do it anymore.
I can't do it. It just doesn't feel right. I plow through half the whiskey, and now it's late. I tell her I'm leaving. (Where did that come from?) I'm leaving for good. Right now. On foot. I tell her I need to go right away. She pleads with me to stay. Just come to bed and sleep.
No. I can't do that. I'm leaving right now.
She persists.
I firmly refuse. I can't do it. It's not fitting, and it's not meant to be. I'm walking out right now. I have to go.
I walk out into a rainy night. I'm drunk and it's pitch black outside. I have what I estimate to be a few hours of walking ahead of me. I immediately get lost in darkness, and when I find my way, I realize that I've made a wrong turn - right out of the driveway.
I find the road and I walk. I'm insane, but I feel relief. My firm decision will not be reversed. This needs to be done, and somehow momentum has found me. The timing was a unique brand of unpredictable, but the outcome is the same. It had to happen some time. It had to. I proceed along the side of the road, walking through a misty rain. I know I did the right thing.
I see headlights and I put out my thumb. No rides for scary night people. I put out my thumb again, and a car pulls over. I actually have a foot in the car and I'm swinging myself in before I realize that this is Tara's car. The conversation was light as we headed to my house.
It was about two years ago when we first hit it off. I still think she's good. I want her to be better off than she'd be with me. I want to be better off myself. It took a long time and a couple botched breakups, but now it's happening.
It was hard to process. I got out of the car. A stone cold expression obscured question marks and exclamation points spilling from my ears. I made it to the kitchen in my parents house. Alone. I made a strange growling sound as my chest tried to explode out of my eyes. I squinted and growled and flapped my hands. And that was it. Next chapter starts now.
6 comments:
Wowzers! But I know what you mean. There comes a time when a man must do what a man must do!
This is Brandon, I'm the one who did the cross country trip on the moto and asked you about bikes.
Anyway I started blogging inspired by you, mobile kodgers, and sonja over at faliaphotography.
Don't let the name fool you though I don't think I am a hipster, at least not on purpose its from ginsberg.
Anyway I hope you do get into your van soon. Moments of clarity like you speak of in this post are the only way my life ever budges.
Spur of the moment makes the immovable slide.
We can trade tours of our vans someday over some libations.
Spur of the moment makes the immovable slide and brings clarity to the foot prints we step into.
Im Brandon I posted befor about bikes.
Not really a self proclaimed hipster the names from Ginsberg.
Hope you get your van up and running again. Once I Have my van put together maybe we can give each other tours over libations.
I set sail begining of January.
I finally started bloggin thanks to you, mobile kodgers, and sonja over at faliaphotography. So thanks man and maybe you would like to read my stream of thought bile.
I think i posted twice. I thought my first one didnt work, pick which comment you like better I guess, sorry about that.
I dont know how to contact you outside of a comment. Where do you contact some one on here personally?
so what is the next chapter? can you brief us? as cool as tara seems, i really get this post and i get the need to break out of complacency and easy, mind numbing indoor things and unsatisfying comforts.
Your posts seem intriguing and there's definitely a story to it all. But from all I can gather, it seems this whole blog circles around the plot of finding yourself and what you want to do with the life you've been given.
From my opinion, If what you've chosen is drinking, smoking, and meeting new people in areas uncharted or unseen by yourself, then I think you're on to a success! However, I would only believe that a nomadic lifestyle is one that you must always be aware of the fact that you can't have a consistent relationship with a girl.
The road gets lonely, we all know that when we travel and it always seems thats when we feel we are ready for a relationship and to share crazy happenings with someone. But when the reality of waking up next to someone day in and out sets in, it can be a bore and a little mundane which based on your blog doesn't seem what you're after.
I would suggest in the future you keep your love interests to simple trysts and travel buddies.
Good luck finding yourself before you get involved with another girl. Seems like it was the right thing to do, but still, figure yourself out before dragging someone else in.
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