Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Asleep and dreaming strong

I wake up to the beeping in my ear. I'm so asleep that I don't even register what it is at first. My wrist and watch are inches from my right ear. I'm in the middle of a lucid dream about sifting through a box of someone's personal effects - specifically looking at a high school diploma from 1754. The box was hidden under some old boards that were rotting in the ground outside in a small clearing of pine trees. It's daytime in the dream, and there are at least a few people with me, though I don't remember who.

I'm dead asleep and have been for hours, because I don't know if I was even able to fall asleep last night at all. I had the worst case of anxiety I think I can imagine which didn't fully go away until late this morning, and now seems to have died down. I don't like taking medication that changes how I think and feel, but if anxiety like that comes back I think I need something. I don't have and such medication, and won't seek it out - but when you feel like that, I think you need it. I keep going through moments of different degrees of serious difficulty. I need to find my simple happy niche or fall into a groove that can work for awhile. I'm doing what I think makes sense - quitting my job, moving to Key West, planning to live in a truck - but it might be too much to all handle. The standard-living option (job/car/apt.) feels like a cop out when I compare it to the awesome adventure I have lined up. I just don't know if I'm ok as a body. I keep going back and forth between being able to handle my life and not. I'm having difficulty keeping my third-person over-my-own-shoulder perspective on life which always helps me laugh at everything. This is the closest thing to a reason why I got a huge turtle tattooed on my stomach. I knew back then at 17 that I would be a man one day, and I'd be faced with an overwhelming case of the serious. The turtle is a reminder from my past (I think I remember literally riding in the back seat of a car, past the Super Fresh on route 1 leaving Kennett, exactly where the super Wawa now is - and telling myself as a note to my future self to NEVER take anything too seriously.) I still don't think you can go wrong with this philosophy. I don't expect that I can always squash down my pure grinding emotion. I'm fully aware that chemicals are at work in each brain, and said chemicals can fuck your shit up. I know this. I'm just typing about what it all means for me right now. This is all just saying how I am.

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