Saturday, August 30, 2008

Fuka situation

I'm useless, and convoluted is my new favorite word.

"I... just... can't... fucking... stop." I'm bawling my eyes out, and I'm sitting on the toilet because I can't stand up. I'm crying the way that shakes a whole body, having the usual epiphany that only seems to happen when you've puked out everything you own. I'm almost surprised that Shelly can bear this, but I guess I'd do the same if she were ever as stupid as me. This occurred years ago, but it's barely in the past.

"If you ever see me drinking anything again, I think it's really bad." I said this last year when I quit once again. I said that to Gary, my endlessly wise and benevolent friend. I said it while I was tenuously sober, and God and I know the truth of those words.

I'm 25. I actually believed myself that I might quit drinking before my 21st birthday.

"I'm really starting to hate beer." I got those words from a friend, and we both know what that means. Everyone loves beer. When you take the first long, deep swig, you know the divinity of what you're drinking. An IPA. But to hate that mother fucking shit. But to hate it.

It's late at night. I'm sitting in the doorway of who-knows-what place in downtown Ashland. I'm puking acid. Is that a carrot? I can't read a street sign. Who needs a sign? I know where I am. I just can't stand up yet. I can't remember where I'm going. I'm wearing a t-shirt and shorts and I'm shivering because it's very cold outside. I keep puking. I didn't eat any carrots, that's a certainty. A guy tried to get me moving in the right direction, but I couldn't tell him where that was. He was the best type of person. I have zero hombres to drag me home, and I caught myself crying and puking in a doorway. Que tal? I'm fucked.


Calvin R said...

I'm an alcoholic, and my name is Calvin. The turning point of my life was when I couldn't die and didn't know how to live. This went on for months, and I was finally able to accept help. In my case, that means 12-step recovery. If you've realized that you can't stop drinking by yourself, it's probably a good time to get in touch with others like us. For me, that means your nearest Alcoholics Anonymous phone number.

Atheist Confessions said...

I just wandered here, and I'm not sure if this is current or a "flashback" but just in case:

I'm an alcoholic too. I also went through it young, quit on my 23rd birthday.

I went to AA for a while but it wasn't for me. I smoke pot but don't drink and never will.

You can make it. I know how hard it is. Just know one thing - when you get it together, you will be happier than you ever dreamed possible. You will appreciate things much more than anyone else. You will not feel pain like others do. You will be much stronger than almost anyone you know.

I would never wish addiction on anyone, but in the end it turned out to be an opportunity for me. It took a few years for the post traumatic stress to stop plaguing me, but once I got over the massive fear that plagues the newly sober, I started to really pursue my life.

There is absolutely no question that my life is much, much better today than it would have been if I never started drinking.

Good luck!

Oh, and if you ever feel like talking to a complete stranger, I specialize in that sort of thing :)