I went to the beach with my folks this morning. We went to Lewes Delaware, and back to Kennett in the same day. I'm spending a few days out in Kennett before jumping back into some kind of city life.
I don't know where I want to live in Philadelphia. I have plenty of offers and options for temporary situations until I find my feet. There's an apartment behind the bicycle shop. The shop expanded while I was riding around, and now there's a small apartment laying temporarily dormant. There's Tim's. There's Tara's where I was. Clearly that's the easiest choice. I'd like to move back into my van.
My van has lapsed insurance and registration, and the battery is dead. I have to figure out why the battery goes dead, then get the other stuff sorted out. It's been sitting for six months, and it looks like it's been sitting for six years. There are bees living in the cracked right taillight. Shit.
I slept in the van for a couple nights, and it's still my home - but I'd like to use the limo lighting in the back instead of a flashlight. I'd like to be able to play music on the stereo, and I'd like if the wall lights could illuminate a book. My parents threw away my Life-Is-Easy chair. I had the chair inside, and they jumped at the chance to sneak it into the trash. I don't mind - the spirit lives on, but that particular chair is gone. This van needs love, and this man needs to move into his van. I have $168. It's amazing that I have been able to be so incredibly conservative with money, but obviously I'm going to need to work a little bit to get the kind of dosh you need to fix up a van.
I could move in with Tara again. I love Tara, and I like to share a bed. I like to have air conditioning and a cheap easy situation. Refrigeration and 24/7 television are quick inoculations against the voices reminding me that life isn't something to squander passively. I'm not sure if rent and apartments are healthy long-term solutions to needing basic shelter. I want to be closer to the Earth, as I term it. I want to be closer to the outside elements, and I want to spend more time outside. I want to be thrifty and simple. I think it's a good move for me mentally. Or is it white walls and television which keep us sane? No. That's not sanity. That's just a way to stop your ideas from rattling a path out of your skull.
This is the kind of situation that will need to unfold naturally. I'll start work at the bicycle shop again, and the right moves will become obvious as time ticks by one day after another. Life's fucking weird. I'd like to fast forward to the day when I'm living in a van under a tree next to my respectably lush vegetable garden. Actually, I don't want to fast forward. I want to experience all of the days that lead up to that point, but I want to feel confident that that point will be reached. Or will I slowly evolve into a boring normal existence? Will I accidentally wake up and find myself tying a tie and dragging a razor across a cloud of foam on my face? Will I fill a shopping cart with frozen food and stop noticing that everything is weird?
Everything is weird. Everything is really, really weird. It's been weird for a long time now, and I'd like to keep finding ways to embrace the reality of that. I don't want to build up barriers against it - I want to invite it in and let it tuck me in at night. You can't go to college for disjointed abstract patterns of thought. Fuck.