I write what’s going on every day. I’m sitting in my van watching youtube clips.
I’d really like to fast forward to a point where I’m having a great time. I’m not happy. I don’t know exactly what I can do to fix my mood. I don’t know what goals I can set to make my life 1) have meaning, or 2) not require any meaning for happiness.
The sky is gray, the air is chilly, and I’m having a slow heart attack that feels like it’s going to take 70 years to mean business. I want to drink booze and smoke weed – but I know it’s just a distraction. No. What I want more is a happy reality. Sometimes the sky is gray and the air is chilly. I should be happy because I feel lucky for what I have – but I’m not happy. Sometimes I can’t reason away the fact that brain chemicals are boiling and frothing away. Or maybe I’m not trying enough – but the result is the same.
Where are the people who I can look in the eye and tell them that I love them, and I’m lucky just to know them? Or the people with whom it’s just understood? When will I meet new people who I can completely respect and relate to; those who I don’t need to hide evidence from? Good people only show up when you forget to look.
I’m done with this shit. I’m ready to pack up right now. The only thing keeping me is this nearly $2k I’m supposed to make – with stoopid-easy work, I hear. I wish I could spend it on cool shit, but it’s really just going to go to debt. I’m thinking hard about bankruptcy. I don’t like the idea of screwing people over – but who am I screwing over here, aside from myself? Insurance companies? Am I going to fuck up the already fucked up system? I’m not sure if I care, or if I even should care. Financially, I’m walking a tightrope trying to do the right thing; afraid that with a false move, I’m going to harm unseen but presumably contemptible corporations. Maybe I just need a salad.
This is a damnably boring rant, the likes of which I’ve heard whined about a thousand times. Maybe I should have saved the sandwich factory announcement for today to obscure the fact that I feel lonely and completely insecure about my life on multiple levels.