Thursday, September 19, 2019

Back in Pennsylvania

I still exist. I broke up with my human partner because I felt like I knew it was the right thing to do. I know it was. I am in Pennsylvania because I'm going hiking with Jonas soon, and I needed the safety net of the Harne house to crash land into. I left my person on good terms, but it was one of the saddest challenges I can remember. I was in love, and I never want to put myself through trying to date people again. I want to find my person, and I push real hard to reconcile any differences to make it work. I lost sight of myself, I lost my sense of self. I ignored my needs, my comfort, my reality.

I'm moving my health insurance shit back to Pennsylvania and never changing my official address again in my life. I'll move, but that address change shit is too much. My health insurance doesn't kick in until November 1st (also my birthday) so my wonderful mom is paying out of pocket for me to go to a new doctor and explore the options for anti-anxiety medication, which I am convinced will help, and eventually Adderall, which has helped with motivation and organization in the past. Right now? I can hardly do a single fuckin' thing. I'm broken.

I'm going to get better. The logical part of my brain recognizes the pieces of the puzzle and the path to wellness. The emotional part of my brain is falling apart, and I just keep sobbing. I found a human who knew my pronouns, and called me their girl, and loved me. They were always kind to me, and I felt like I finally had a partner who could take care of me with the things I am not good at. It wasn't enough. The move to Chicago was stressful, and I felt overwhelming panic every day. I began to hurt my partner with my words and actions, and I felt helpless to stop. Everything I said was misinterpreted, or correctly interpreted but infused with unfortunate frustration and panic. Eventually it was too much, and I had to do what I always do: load up my van and drive away.

I have a prescription for Effexor, which is an anti-depressant. I've been taking it for two days, but it's supposed to take 2-6 weeks to have an effect. My self image is not that of a depressed person, but I am at a point where I feel that I need to be open-minded about any help so I can start to feel like I am myself. I want to feel like I am operating my own body. I know that the breakup is a causal factor in how I am feeling, but also that the symptoms have existed at some level forever. I have been suffering. I know that my suffering is simple and lightweight compared to the struggles of others, and frankly I don't know how people live like that. Like this.

I will find my path, and I will soon enough be able to travel again and reach goals. Simple stuff. I am doing everything in my power to make it so. But for right now, I am only trying to hold it together. Keep it together. Mindfulness. Stop replaying every detail of the relationship which caused me discomfort and panic. Pump the brakes on the sobbing. Ride a bicycle. You've got this, Chris. You go, girl. It's going to be better than fine. Soon. Just hang in there.


squire said...

Part of me hopes "you get help" but the other part says "why bother"

Pixy Stoneskipper said...

Me too.