Sunday, September 29, 2019

My thoughts at the moment.

The feeling of panic won't stop. That's not true. I get little breaks here or there. If I'm talking to a friend, or riding a bicycle, or drinking - I might get a pause. Drinking isn't good though, 'cause now it can also make things worse. So I'm trying to keep that in check. I'm taking that drug, Effexor, which is supposed to kick in after taking it for weeks. But I think the bulk of this panic is situational - breakup combined with being back in Pennsylvania, as unsure about what I am doing as ever before, and now yet another year older.

I want to be a good girl for somebody. I had that. A lot of the other parts of the relationship were a mismatch, but I loved being somebody's girlfriend. I'm told that can happen again. I don't want to look for it. I can't stand this dating stuff. I get way too close way too fast. I am blinded by the positives, and I ignore the feeling in my chest that tells me it isn't a good match. I don't trust myself.

Like a classic complete idiot, I tried to text or email Chance a few times. The way it ended, it seemed like friendship might be possible. I thought we were both sad, but on the same page, acknowledging that we have differences, and it would be best to part ways. Then Chance let me have it. They texted a good solid list of everything I did wrong, and what the DSM would medically diagnose as being wrong with me. I said I would look into it, apologized, and promised not to contact them again. Borderline personality disorder? Sure, some of the symptoms have a ring of truth, but it isn't a fit. I don't torpedo relationships. For the most part, I am healthy in that regard. And I hold hate for nobody. Emotionally abusive? Probably. I don't do well under pressure, and I get defensive. When I speak precisely, I sound like an asshole, while I am only trying to select words carefully. There's no malice. I try to communicate appropriately, but I get frustrated, and I fall short. I was a total dick more than a few times. Always sorry, but still a total dick.

What I need to do is stop replaying all of these thoughts on repeat. I try to practice mindfulness, and it is nearly impossible. The thoughts keep on cycling. I can only get brief moments of peace. At least I am glad that I'm trying. I probably care way too much about what people think of me. I try hard to live by a personal code of ethics. But the fact is, people misunderstand each other, and relationships are difficult. Over the past few years, I haven't had a good track record. Three people who I've become very close with have either cut me out of their lives, or I had to stop talking to them. I don't do well when that happens. I am not doing well right now.

What I'd like to do is approach my situation systematically - focusing on one step at a time. I have the exact same goals and ideas as one year ago before I moved to Austin for the second time. I feel like I have made zero progress. I have nothing to show for it. Maybe I need to make a third attempt to reach the same goals. Maybe it will just take me years rather than months to figure out where my place is, and what my simple sustainable life might look like. I want to find that life and stop moving around so much. I want to feel happy where I am. I almost had that in Austin, and then I got into a relationship. There were some positives about that relationship, but if I'm being honest with myself, I know I should have ended it much sooner. But I let myself fall in love. I completely surrendered. I tried to let myself get swept into somebody else's life and reality at the expense of my own sense of self. I am still coming back to my own personal reality. I hope I learned something.

I know what I want. I want to find a way to make money with sewing in any capacity. I want to stop selling books, and switch to sewing. I want to find a partner who rides bicycles and laughs. I want a partner who has an adventurous spirit. I can compromise a great deal, but for once I want to make sure the fundamentals are in place before I practically get married, and then bail out, leaving massive double heartache in my wake. I'd like to quit packing up my van and running away from shit. I want to belong to community. I want to get my meds sorted out, and have good helpful therapy. I want to continue practicing mindfulness, and feel connected to the earth spiritually on a more regular basis. I want to be satisfied with where I stand in the present.

Everything I want seems simple and possible. I believe I will find my place geographically and in spirit. Above all, I simply want peace. I am a wreck.

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