Life is getting interesting again. I met Batman. I moved into the house where I actually want to live. All within 48 hours. More about the house another time...
For me personally? I decided that dating apps are not a healthy focus for people who recently quit drinking for the 1000th time - people like me who are healing; people who aren't sure of exactly what they are healing from. People who feel like an oil spill in the road after rain; drained into the gutter with decomposing plant matter and cigarette butts. We are people who see bright colorful rays of light in ourselves and each other. Dating apps are maybe not the best filter through which to see each other's light. Then I found Batman (not their real name) and found out that Tinder, like everything else, is completely fine.
We chatted for hours over text message, two days in a row. Then we made a date to get brunch, and eat psilocybin mushrooms if brunch went ok. I like people who communicate through written words. Writing makes me feel empowered. It allows us to organize our thoughts rather than regurgitate banalities back and forth, never getting a clear essence of who we are speaking with.
I am a shy person who has learned to speak up. I am a gentle person who has learned to feign toughness. I am no certain way in particular, but I want to grow and improve with age. I reject gender roles and believe we need to rethink the status quo. Batman is also a queer person along the continuum of gender norms, and we met somewhere in the middle from opposite ends. We both choose they/them pronouns. I don't know much about Batman, but I couldn't be more curious to learn.
Shrooms on a first date is bold. It's been many years, but of course I will always know shrooms. We entered that dimension together, and it was a beautiful experience. We watched the ceiling and the floor change shape. Sometimes we spoke or shared emotions.
I have been starved for affection or physical contact. My body craves it like sunlight, and I have been alone and out of reach. Aside from the brief electricity of an infrequent hug, I have been a flower in danger of wilting and drying to a husk. I asked Batman if they would feel comfortable holding me. I feel horribly awkward and afraid to initiate physical touch. Due to my physical appearance, it is assumed that I will make a first move, and I can't stand the responsibility. It is easy to be misunderstood; for there to be an assumption that I do not like to be touched. It isn't that. It's simply that in some certain ways I feel awkward as fuck.
Once my boundaries were reestablished, I could be held and recharged like a battery.
The sun set. Every song by Glass Animals continued to set the mood. The spirit of shrooms evaporated slowly like an invisible vapor, and I was invited to stay for the night. When latex gloves appeared out of the nightstand, I knew that boundaries were about to be tested in much more detail than a hug.