Friday, July 18, 2014

Waking up in an unmarked chapter.

The summertime is upon us, and this perfect weather puts a satisfaction in my heart, which I must admit is punctuated with an ominous question mark. I'm happy. I'm worried about how often I'm not happy.

This is a new chapter in my life. A book has chapters. Each chapter in life, however, does not come with a big convenient number attached. You wake up one day, and you realize that you're already inside of it. The transitions are vague.

Time passes with a plodding and almost frustrating pace. Time passes with an almost alarming swiftness. I am trapped and awash in conflicting perspectives. At times I find this almost rewarding in a perverse way. I am beginning to recognize that I need to find a way to exist in the present. I know by using logic that it is helpful to be in the moment. I know this, and I respect it as the truest possible fact. I fail at living this way, but I am relieved that I am at least able to recognize the value.

eBay and Amazon. Online reselling. I'm working hard at trying not to work very hard. I accept that starting a new business is difficult. I am aware that if life is made too simple, then there is little reward for progress and success. Still, I find myself regularly frustrated at the pace of progress. My income is a relative pittance. Even though I have plans to leave this area, I am still here for now. I wouldn't say that I'm trapped. I would definitely say that I'm biding my time.

You couldn't wish for nicer weather or prettier surroundings. (Not without being a greedy dick.) Biding my time here? I can accept this.

Daily, I am trying to line up my ducks. There are not enough hours in the day. There are even fewer productive hours. Maybe it isn't healthy to think this way. BUT: as long as I am growing a business to a low-reasonable income... as long as my tiny house is unfinished... as long as my savings goals are unreliable and abstract... I am having difficulty framing my status in any other way.

It's all up in the air. I have all of the ingredients (fantastic fucking ingredients!), and nothing in the oven. It's going to be good. It's going to be great. I think. I hope. I wonder.

For now?

I am.

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