Systematically Destroying Minor Tasks feat. Reckless Abandon.

I have irons in the fire. I have so many irons in the fire, I've had to start new fires for some of the irons. In a way, that's a good thing, as long as I can manage to chill the fuggout about it. Staying calm is the difficult part. If I could zen-out my brainhole, the irons would be dealt with in turn - like the small, systematically-destroyable minor tasks they are.

Here's the situation today. Kristin has officially joined me in the online reselling business. We have an office in the large house - as a temporary necessity - and it's a hellhole. I have a backlog of items that should probably be thrown away or burned, but since eBay is part of the business, we're heaving crap around with shovels and trying to find the carpet.

Once that's dealt with, we can go back to cherrypicking valuable books at a series of locations, aka living the dream. Meanwhile: mayhem.

I also have to work on the tiny house, so:

 - We can spend more time in it, since it is awesome.
 - We can "live" there instead of just sleeping there.

This plan entails more work. Lots more building, and to be honest, I'm running out of steam. I usually run out of steam when I'm around 7/8ths finished with a project, and that's about where we are in the tiny house.

We desperately need storage to:

 - Put our belongings where we live.
 - SEVER ONCE AND FOR ALL our attachment to large houses.

What I've failed to do is realize the magnitude of this undertaking. In my brain, somehow, if it can be written in 2-3 sentences, then it should only take... say... a week at most. I can't accomplish anything with this ADHD business, unless I take Adderall, which stokes the fire under my irons, but also tends to whip my perspective on life back and forth like a vigorously waving flag. It gets worse around 5pm when I begin to daydream about ostrich-ing my head in the dirt.

But it is Not All So Bad!!!

In a bid to improve her workspace, Kristin turned to Amazon, and seemed keen to purchase this apparatus: 

"Hold the fucking presses!" I thought. HERE is an opportunity to save $17. After a couple hours, I was able to counter with THIS apparatus:

DON'T WORRY. This is definitely the most effective use of my time.

Waking up in an unmarked chapter.

The summertime is upon us, and this perfect weather puts a satisfaction in my heart, which I must admit is punctuated with an ominous question mark. I'm happy. I'm worried about how often I'm not happy.

This is a new chapter in my life. A book has chapters. Each chapter in life, however, does not come with a big convenient number attached. You wake up one day, and you realize that you're already inside of it. The transitions are vague.

Time passes with a plodding and almost frustrating pace. Time passes with an almost alarming swiftness. I am trapped and awash in conflicting perspectives. At times I find this almost rewarding in a perverse way. I am beginning to recognize that I need to find a way to exist in the present. I know by using logic that it is helpful to be in the moment. I know this, and I respect it as the truest possible fact. I fail at living this way, but I am relieved that I am at least able to recognize the value.

eBay and Amazon. Online reselling. I'm working hard at trying not to work very hard. I accept that starting a new business is difficult. I am aware that if life is made too simple, then there is little reward for progress and success. Still, I find myself regularly frustrated at the pace of progress. My income is a relative pittance. Even though I have plans to leave this area, I am still here for now. I wouldn't say that I'm trapped. I would definitely say that I'm biding my time.

You couldn't wish for nicer weather or prettier surroundings. (Not without being a greedy dick.) Biding my time here? I can accept this.

Daily, I am trying to line up my ducks. There are not enough hours in the day. There are even fewer productive hours. Maybe it isn't healthy to think this way. BUT: as long as I am growing a business to a low-reasonable income... as long as my tiny house is unfinished... as long as my savings goals are unreliable and abstract... I am having difficulty framing my status in any other way.

It's all up in the air. I have all of the ingredients (fantastic fucking ingredients!), and nothing in the oven. It's going to be good. It's going to be great. I think. I hope. I wonder.

For now?

I am.

Miniature Sprout Garden. Day 3.

Gardens are a huge pain. There are many variables to combat:

1) Having enough sun.
2) Varmint control.
3) Time commitment.

In spite of the current affordability of cheeseburgers, I've been wanting a garden anyway. Being that I'm heavily committed in many arenas at once, I didn't think it feasible. Then I remembered hearing something about growing sprouts and how easy it is. Being a fan of alfalfa sprouts already, I took a closer look:

1) They don't need much sun.
2) They can be grown in whatever; easy to protect.
3) They're quick n' easy.

That sounds like something I can handle.

I eat a lot of cottage cheese. I never get around to preparing any food. I wait until I'm so hungry that I have a headache and I'm angry at everything, then I eat half a pound of cottage cheese in about four huge scoops.

I bought half a pound of sprout seed mix: alfalfa, broccoli, radish. They said it was a good combination.

I poked holes in the bottom of a few empty cottage cheese containers using an ice pick. I put some soil in there, sprinkled in some seeds, and now it's three days later. I've been spritzing some water on the soil using a spray bottle - once in the morning; again at night - and today the first little sprouts started poking through. This is great. Free food is on the horizon, and I'm able to take credit for making an idea actually happen.


Note: you can also make sprouts without any soil. You just add water. Look it up. I decided not to go this route, because I get a huge bang out of anything miniature. Sprouts in soil is more like a miniature garden. I'm thrilled about this.

Time for a Psychiatrist. (Thanks Obamacare!)

Dear Brain,

Stop going crazy. Nobody is out to get you. Everyone doesn't hate you. Get a psychiatrist to help sort out your non-issues. You know you're not capable of much in the way or sorting. Stick to what you're good at and quit making up problems.

You are a ridiculous brain. Have a psychiatrist take a look. Most people with ADHD get a professional opinion about medicine dosage. Now that we have Obamacare, we can easily afford that. In fact, we're basically already paying for it. Times are different now.

Silly brain. You keep thinking you're in control. NO! There is no control. There is only matter of circumstance. Dummy. Just work on your easy little bits of work, and tell the mouth and hands to shut up.

Sincerely,
The Rest of the System

Feeling Overwhelmed. Feeling Unwanted. Feeling clobbered and destroyed.

I am feeling so unwanted. I am feeling like a burden carrying burdens. I can only shrug my shoulders so many times until my back starts to break. I'm trying to pull myself together, but I'm being crushed by responsibility that I'm not even sure is real.

Little comments are being made, and I am feeling that I am getting severely in the way at the bigger house. It's a work in fucking progress. It's a GODDAMNED work in FUCKING progress. Believe me. I will move out the moment it seems possible. I will leave everything clean and organized in my wake. Give me ten more seconds and I will have my figurative shit together and my physical bullshit out of here.

Slow progress makes me look like an asshole. I'm not a typical American son who is going to finish college fucking ever. I don't see that happening. Why? Because college is fucking stupid. It's also a huge waste of money. Look at me. College is not doing anything for me, and you're going to have to trust me on that. Believe me. I know myself better than you.

I'm a big weird elephant whose bullshit is clogging other people's personal space. I don't understand why I can't just throw everything away and have every single area I inhabit clean in a day or two. This shit is taking me FOREVER. I know that. Welcome to ADHD. Why don't YOU try sprinting in waist deep water? Give me one goddamned more minute. I'm unable to breathe. I swear I will fucking leave. I always do. Remember?

Worry not, Chris Harne. Just remember that everything is as fake as it seems.

This Moment is all that We Know.

At first I was afraid to die.

I could not comprehend the absence of being. The absence of everything. The house slept, but I remained awake and burdened. My heart pounded, and I began sobbing heavily. The room blurred, as my breathing became desperate. Tears became a flood, and I could taste acidic snot as my head began throbbing.

Though she might not remember this, my mother came to comfort me. My mom put her arm around me and spoke slowly. She told me to take a deep breath. This should not be a worry for children with a single-digit age. It would be a long time, she said. I would not die for a long, long time.

At such an age, a small person has a limited concept of time. Lack of perspective was most of the problem.

I am aware now that our lives unfold in chapters and surprises. My worst moments no longer occur almost every other day. I am aware of my inability to predict the future with certainty. I am aware more than ever of a looming ignorance which humbles me. Surprise is a gift from our lowercase god; ignorance is a blanket to cling to for relief. I take great comfort in my inability to comprehend.

I don't mean to say that I am not a curious fellow - I am in every sense - but I do not fret when I cannot possibly understand that which no human ever has.

It is mine to sit. It is my life to steer. It is all I have to choose any direction at will. I am moving forward toward the day I become mulch. I am suspended in space as I deteriorate.

I still cannot comprehend the absence of being. One day I will, or one day I won't. It is not my position to be the first-ever all-knowing. I would abhor such responsibility.

Relax, fellow human. Let out your breath. Look at your hands. At the absolute most, this moment is all that we know.