Rides, and riding toward a ride...

Well, I wasn't going to ask for a ride, but if you're offering...

My Mom called me at work to ask if I wanted a ride home. I was going to figure something else out, 'cause I felt sheepish being van-less for a third Sunday. But she claimed not to mind, so I was happy to accept the offer.

I stayed after work to finish work on my KHS Professional road bicycle. It's a single speed with three cog choices and a bunch of spacers on an Ultegra hub. It's not too shabby. It rolls like mercury down a windowpane, and white handlebar tape is all the else I have to say.

I rode swiftly into a strong headwind to arrive at the rendezvous.

Knock-off Apple Jacks

If I actually rode a bicycle as much as I think about them, I'd be on the moon right now. Trust me. And tell me if you agree: a person who bids on your shit and doesn't pay you is an irredeemable motherfucker. To the moon! I ate mostly a whole bag of knock-off Apple Jacks.

Single speed KHS? Nearly complete.

I got a ride home from Mike. I was at the bicycle shop late horsing around and making myself a single speed. Thank goodness I didn't actually have to ride the thing home.

Pizza and soda in bed.

I'm sitting around on my bed. Me and my girl are rich with pizza and soda. We're practically famous with it. Internet ordering makes it so you barely have to mumble three words to another human before you're holding food.

Tiny Tacos > Wintery Mix

What I do is I get some tortillas. What I use inside is a box of Goya. Rice and beans is easy, but a box with a bag in it is one step closer to food. Pre-seasoned and it's $2. I put some sour cream in there if it's a good day, and yes - heaven smiled upon me this evening. Tiny tacos with hot sauce sprinkled on every bite. And the wintery mix was kept at bay.

Cashing in a jug of money.

Oh, the bank. Or credit union in my case. I cashed in half a wine jug full of coins. There was also a keychain and at least one small bud of marijuana in there. The pot wasn't worth much, but the rest of it totaled $171.56. I put that in savings and transferred the remainder to bring my savings account to $300. Now I'm saving. $300 per month will add up to a new van in a couple years, and that's the point.

Goal and plans; dirt and flight.

I shipped a ton of eBay items today. A ton more are ending later. I also have more to list.

Taking a single tiny Ritalin makes a huge difference. It's not the shocking miracle it seemed like the first day I tried it, but it's an extremely helpful nudge in the right direction. I feel like - and this comes as a shock - I'm able to operate like a normal person. I was sure in the past that I was shitty-lazy, but I think my psychology is in fact more complicated. I have huge aspirations and wonderful ideas. I have goals and plans. Somehow I let all of it get heaped under a pile of dirt. Now I'm ready to brush it off again and see if it can fly.

Making money; spending money. And "The Superbowl"

I just got finished with working six days in a row. The van isn't finished, but it will be... soon. I'm looking at the totals from my listed auctions and estimating what my next paycheck might look like. I'm hoping there's enough left over to get a laptop. My big laptop is down with a nasty virus and it's not exactly new or reliable anymore. At the expense of sounding like a spendy materialist consumer, I'm thinking MacBook Pro.

But what I was really doing was being at a Superbowl party. No, I didn't know many people. No, I didn't drink. Yes, I wanted to leave early. Yeah, it was alright.

Selling parts; wishing I was buying other parts.

My eBay auctions totaled over $1000 at some point today. That's not what I'll net, but it looks great on a computer screen. I can pay for the van's transmission and my new bicycle.

7:21pm: Re-listing some unsold eBay parts and generally ogling other parts which are expensive. I wish I didn't want a shitload of expensive bicycle parts, but I do. I know I don't need them, but it doesn't help. I feel like I somehow deserve DT Swiss 240s hubs.

I have a runny nose.

I started to feel ill today. I can handle catastrophic events in stride, but give me a runny nose and you'd think somebody died.

Trikin'

I started the day off right. I took the trike to work listening to dubstep. That's a great way to alter reality in the morning.

Riding tricycles and such.

We triked out to get cereal and some money from the ATM. She stood on the back. One audacious motorist didn't like this, and my middle finger eased up in response: a calm, silent reply. A reflex as automatic as taking a breath. Overall, it was a good day.

More Money.

Another guy got sick, so now I can work instead. More work = more money. More money = what I need.

Running errands like a normal human being.

Another Ritalin day. It was very helpful in allowing me to list eBay auctions and run errands in a smooth, calm, and well-prioritized manner. My preliminary test results are showing this to be a drug that gives me superhuman abilities.

eBay, Transmissions, New Bicycle, PBJ

I hitched a ride back to Kennett with my folks after work. I brought boxes and packing materials to ship out some more stuff I sold on eBay. I also took a suitcase packed with bicycle parts that I bought at the last swap meet. There's a lot more to list on eBay, and the race to raise money for my transmission continues.

Also, I bought a bicycle. For me. We were about to sell out of KHS Urban Xpress bicycles from 2011, so I got one for myself before that happened. I have a high opinion of the bicycle and I'm not too fond of some of the changes for the 2012 model.

I bought some top quality PBJ ingredients - only the best, all around. Boom.

Reading an article about adults with ADHD

7:21pm: I'm reading an article about ADHD and realizing how the descriptions actually define me closely. Crap. I probably would have been better off at many points in my life by taking medication. Now I'm ready to try it. From the short test run, it looks like it's only going to help to have a brain that functions in a more "normal" fashion as far as transmitters and receptors are concerned. Maybe that should be obvious. I should have been more open to this option, or at least willing to explore it. But I was turned off to the idea of medications. Only recently have I realized how impractical that stance is. And maybe my unfounded opinions deserve more research. Obvious things don't occur to me when they should.

Headed home. Used transmission = $1000.

7:21pm: Taking a ride home from the shop with Shelly.

My transmission is shot. Used transmission = $1000. And maybe I'm willing to pay it. Wow. And I'm counting on these eBay auctions to make that money. And maybe I'm still going to get a new bike. Geez.

 

Took a Ritalin again today. Low dose and effective. I would be going insane with this admittedly small workload otherwise. I'm looking forward to sorting all this out. "It's just money." And really, I feel sort of on top of my game still. Huh.

Swap check; Brainstorming

7:21pm: Seeing when the next Trexlertown swap meet will be. Brainstorming about what else to buy and sell on eBay. 

Looking at a stack of "Krave"

Listing more eBay; getting boxes for everything; 


7:21pm: Looking at a huge stack of "Krave" Cereal at Wal-Mart. Feeling a mix of fear an amusement about said cereal.


Ritalin is sort of a wonder drug

Talked to India about Modafinil. Ritalin might be a better and cheaper bet if I could somehow swing a prescription.

I need help! This is about seeking solutions.

I have an issue. My brain doesn't work the normal way. It's all the ADHD I have. I am over the idea of thinking it will fix itself. I want to be productive. I want to act on all of the great creative projects and ideas I have. At the same time, just a short and simple task list will cripple me. Give me one small thing to accomplish, and I will feel inundated and afraid. Being unproductive makes me upset, frustrated and anxious.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I quit drinking. I've quit drinking a handful of times, and each time it is my sincere hope that it will allow me to be more productive. I want progress, and I want to see my plans and projects come to fruition. After a few months of sobriety, I realize that I am still just as incapable of accomplishing the smallest tasks, and I come to the conclusion that alcohol was not responsible. Then I drink some. Then I drink more. Then I'm wasted every night for a very long time until I hurt myself and repeat the cycle.

I don't want to repeat this. I need help! My life is pretty good, but god how I need help with this! I should be in a support group for the alcohol thing, but I'm going to skip that. I'm done drinking forever. Boom. For the unproductive brain that is easily crippled into inaction, I want help. I love myself, and I love what I've accomplished in life - but I am recognizing clearly that I will always fall far short of my potential. Far short.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid in 6th grade. I got some pills for it, but I was immediately like "fuck this noise! I don't need a pill to change how I am!" The diagnosis and the medication were presented in the worst possible manner at the worst possible time in my life. It was the right fix at the wrong time - and it would not have helped my social problems which only time would cure.

Now? I still have that same ADHD - I'm sure of it - but now I'm receptive to help. I am ready to accept that something isn't right. Nothing I've tried to do for myself has helped. People take medication for this, and I'm open to seeking potential solutions. No more soap box of flimsy ideals.

I tried a Ritalin today. One tiny pill. I was a task machine, and I can't believe how well it worked. I felt like my normal self, but I completed a long list of errands that I've been putting off and fretting over for weeks. It was easy. I was calm, and the feeling of accomplishment was rewarding and enjoyable.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist and be open minded about the opinions of a professional for once.