More Money.

Another guy got sick, so now I can work instead. More work = more money. More money = what I need.

Running errands like a normal human being.

Another Ritalin day. It was very helpful in allowing me to list eBay auctions and run errands in a smooth, calm, and well-prioritized manner. My preliminary test results are showing this to be a drug that gives me superhuman abilities.

eBay, Transmissions, New Bicycle, PBJ

I hitched a ride back to Kennett with my folks after work. I brought boxes and packing materials to ship out some more stuff I sold on eBay. I also took a suitcase packed with bicycle parts that I bought at the last swap meet. There's a lot more to list on eBay, and the race to raise money for my transmission continues.

Also, I bought a bicycle. For me. We were about to sell out of KHS Urban Xpress bicycles from 2011, so I got one for myself before that happened. I have a high opinion of the bicycle and I'm not too fond of some of the changes for the 2012 model.

I bought some top quality PBJ ingredients - only the best, all around. Boom.

Reading an article about adults with ADHD

7:21pm: I'm reading an article about ADHD and realizing how the descriptions actually define me closely. Crap. I probably would have been better off at many points in my life by taking medication. Now I'm ready to try it. From the short test run, it looks like it's only going to help to have a brain that functions in a more "normal" fashion as far as transmitters and receptors are concerned. Maybe that should be obvious. I should have been more open to this option, or at least willing to explore it. But I was turned off to the idea of medications. Only recently have I realized how impractical that stance is. And maybe my unfounded opinions deserve more research. Obvious things don't occur to me when they should.

Headed home. Used transmission = $1000.

7:21pm: Taking a ride home from the shop with Shelly.

My transmission is shot. Used transmission = $1000. And maybe I'm willing to pay it. Wow. And I'm counting on these eBay auctions to make that money. And maybe I'm still going to get a new bike. Geez.

 

Took a Ritalin again today. Low dose and effective. I would be going insane with this admittedly small workload otherwise. I'm looking forward to sorting all this out. "It's just money." And really, I feel sort of on top of my game still. Huh.

Swap check; Brainstorming

7:21pm: Seeing when the next Trexlertown swap meet will be. Brainstorming about what else to buy and sell on eBay. 

Looking at a stack of "Krave"

Listing more eBay; getting boxes for everything; 


7:21pm: Looking at a huge stack of "Krave" Cereal at Wal-Mart. Feeling a mix of fear an amusement about said cereal.


Ritalin is sort of a wonder drug

Talked to India about Modafinil. Ritalin might be a better and cheaper bet if I could somehow swing a prescription.

I need help! This is about seeking solutions.

I have an issue. My brain doesn't work the normal way. It's all the ADHD I have. I am over the idea of thinking it will fix itself. I want to be productive. I want to act on all of the great creative projects and ideas I have. At the same time, just a short and simple task list will cripple me. Give me one small thing to accomplish, and I will feel inundated and afraid. Being unproductive makes me upset, frustrated and anxious.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I quit drinking. I've quit drinking a handful of times, and each time it is my sincere hope that it will allow me to be more productive. I want progress, and I want to see my plans and projects come to fruition. After a few months of sobriety, I realize that I am still just as incapable of accomplishing the smallest tasks, and I come to the conclusion that alcohol was not responsible. Then I drink some. Then I drink more. Then I'm wasted every night for a very long time until I hurt myself and repeat the cycle.

I don't want to repeat this. I need help! My life is pretty good, but god how I need help with this! I should be in a support group for the alcohol thing, but I'm going to skip that. I'm done drinking forever. Boom. For the unproductive brain that is easily crippled into inaction, I want help. I love myself, and I love what I've accomplished in life - but I am recognizing clearly that I will always fall far short of my potential. Far short.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid in 6th grade. I got some pills for it, but I was immediately like "fuck this noise! I don't need a pill to change how I am!" The diagnosis and the medication were presented in the worst possible manner at the worst possible time in my life. It was the right fix at the wrong time - and it would not have helped my social problems which only time would cure.

Now? I still have that same ADHD - I'm sure of it - but now I'm receptive to help. I am ready to accept that something isn't right. Nothing I've tried to do for myself has helped. People take medication for this, and I'm open to seeking potential solutions. No more soap box of flimsy ideals.

I tried a Ritalin today. One tiny pill. I was a task machine, and I can't believe how well it worked. I felt like my normal self, but I completed a long list of errands that I've been putting off and fretting over for weeks. It was easy. I was calm, and the feeling of accomplishment was rewarding and enjoyable.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist and be open minded about the opinions of a professional for once.

Poor weather; poor mood. Transmissions and anxiety.

Shitty cabin fever type feeling. Transmission trouble in the van? The weather: cloud. A big cloud all day. I watched shitty tv all day. Not bad on paper: big nice house to myself. No big responsibility to speak of. But I'm not happy. I'm spaced out and inundated. What can I do to help?

4 inch hoagies make me happy.

Driving to Kristin's after eating a 4" hoagie, 24oz coffee ($1), mac n' cheese ($.99) and getting gas ($74.54). It's cold out. Crummy. My mood was poor, but it got better with the addition of a hoagie. Maybe I can dance a little.

Shopping for a fancy bicycle bag.

7:21pm. I'm using a small laptop and a sketchy internet connection to compare saddlebags online. I'm specifically seeing how the Carradice Camper Longflap model stacks up against any other bag. After a couple hours of this, I added what I wanted to a shopping cart and checked out. Boom.

Out to lunch in social situations.

7:21pm. I was at the Buried Beds film showing. I wasn't terribly social, but I wasn't awfully shy either. I felt ever so sober and out to lunch.

Coffee and popcorn.

My girlfriend felt under the weather, so I spent the whole day being lazy at her house. We watched Moneyball. I drank coffee and ate popcorn.

KHS Professional get the dust blown off.

My KHS Professional road bicycle hasn't been ridden in a three years. I'm finishing up building the rear wheel and making it a single speed with three cogs on the cassette hub. See: Lon Haldeman's PBP Rivendell. Yes - I intend to be exactly like that guy.

I'm at Red Lobster

I'm eating at Red Lobster with my parents. I'm not filling up either. I could eat more. I could really just eat... like so much food.

Buzzing off my beard.

7:21pm. I'm cutting off the biggest beard I've ever grown. Bzzzzz. I hung out with my family today.

Eating deer meat.

I signed up for an REI Visa card. But right now I'm watching Top Gear and eating deer meat. I have never felt so American in my life.

When a VCR gets your best.

I'm wasting a lot of my free time doing pointless eBay searches and pining for bicycles that I wish I didn't want. I tried to hook up a VCR that Mike left behind when he moved out of this room that I'm renting now. That VCR dunt fuggin' work. I blew 5 bucks on some VHS tapes, and this piece ain't workin' none. Geese! It's bad news when a VCR gets your best.

Barcade doesn't have good pickles.

I'm at Barcade again. I'm not drinking still, and I don't even want to. Life is great. My friend finished up boat school, so we're celebrating the milestone. I just ate a sub-par pickle.

Ethiopian food.

I'm eating at Dahlek. It's an Ethiopian restaurant in West Philly. You eat with your haaaands, maaaan...

I used to score fat sacks of weed behind this place back in the day.

Wrestling a futon.

I'm wrestling a $50 Craigslist futon up into my room. It would be nice to sit next to my girlfriend some time, and I'm trying to make that dream a reality.

I did 4 things today.

Oh boy was I ever busy today.

1) At 7:21pm I was reviewing PBJ sandwiches on my new photo blog.

2) I spent a few hours reading about the Cree Indian villages in northern Quebec. (Checking to make sure that shit is still rural.)

3) I got a bigger espresso bubbler for my camp stove. More espresso? Sil vous plait, mi amor!

4) Watching Donnie Brasco with a jumpy picture is a waste of time. Getting stoned doesn't make it any better.

Sassy about a Nalgene.

It's nice to have a day off after six working days in a row. Kristin was over and we had our morning coffee and checked the West Philly thrift stores. First you look for t-shirts, then you check in on the knick-knacks next door. I got a Nalgene bottle for a buck. Who's the boss? I guess that's me.

Selling bicycles feels good.

I'm feeling all sorts of proud of myself. I sold three bicycles at work today - which is awesome - and I'm basking in it.

Personal info yard sale circus.

I'm in the process of giving too much personal bank info to try to get Modafinil from India. Routing number? Social security number? Bank account number? No problem, sketchy India website! Here you go!

Piss poor grocery shopping.

Today felt off. Being at the worst grocery store ever isn't helping. I will not be back to this grocery store.

Shameful Eggplant

I'm eating a sub-par eggplant parm sandwich. It was delivered in a sweaty styrofoam container with an over-toasted roll. The mushy insides tried to hide deep in the crease of the roll. I assume this was out of shame.

Birds, Books, Cold.

I was playing Angry Birds. Then I read some of "Sweet Thursday." It's super cold outside.

I'm okay! It's cold!

I'm getting over the sickness I felt. I got lucky. I'm built to be resilient, and I didn't get it too bad.

Back to work! I've been loafing around for awhile, but now the bicycle shop is open, and I've got hours.

It was cold as a sonofabitch on my ride in this morning.

Sickness goes around.

Sickness goes around. How sick is that? You can guess when you're going to get it.

If you have a roommate and a loved one who are ill, then you're in line. When I woke up this morning, the world was a mild hallucination. I slept some more and tried again around 3pm. I floated around the neighborhood in a malaise. All attempts to purchase nourishment failed. I returned home and sank.

A semblance of sanity was restored when chicken noodle soup was delivered to my door.

Getting a bicycle for my girl.

I'm batting a fucking thousand.

I woke up in the wonderful setting that is my Philadelphia apartment. I woke up next to a girl that thinks I'm pretty good. So far so good, she thinks. Satellite was closed today - being New Years and all - but Dunkin Donuts did not disappoint. Except for all the farting.

I took the wheel. We drove to the bicycle shop, and I used my keys to unlock the store and rifle through the contents. Test rides. I put Kristin on a couple of damn-fancy bicycles. I employed the use of tape measures, allen wrenches and a tire pump. I explained possibilities and how to shift.

She picked the cheap one. Out of everything, the used bicycle with the cruiser bars was the one that spoke up. "It's yours!" I said. By that I meant that she could pay for it later.