Monday, February 23, 2015

We Are Home Now. Finding Balance.

UPDATE: We are home. The trip was great. Better than great.

I cannot keep up with a blog every day. I'm disorganized, and I edit way too much. I have notes on what happened during the rest of the trip, and I will be converting it to blog-mode soon. That's my intention.

Since returning, we've been trying to get back to work.

I'm back on anti-depressants, 'cause it's cold and snowy in PA. I didn't take anti-depressants on the trip, but for winter it's proving helpful. I spent a couple days verging on despair, then decided to start again on the little yellow pills.

The blog posts for our trip started to become a lie of omissions. In New Orleans, I decided I was ready to have a beer after three years of not drinking. I think I was being really hard on myself about drinking. I know much more about myself and my brain than I did three years ago. Obviously, I can't know if this will ultimately be a bad decision - but I am motivated to be moderate. It's not a contest. It's all good.

Adderall. I'm taking a normal prescribed amount, and it helps. I'd call it essential for getting almost anything done. (Anything I'm not already obsessive and single-minded about... like paying bills and cutting my fingernails. Anything "work" or "maintenance.")

Marijuana. I'm smoking regularly. It's for recreation. It also evaporates my anxiety like a magic wand, which comes in handy.

My previous ideals held that drugs - prescribed or otherwise - would only serve to alter the pure nature of my awesome brain. Now I recognize the issue to be far more complex. With respect to god, Earth, myself, and my loved ones, I am now just trying to find balance: chemically, mentally, physically... in everything.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

glad to know you're okay Ray. annap, md