Swooping on the Hoopty.

I'm running around with illegal mushrooms in a box of Lucky Charms. I'm making a delivery and swooping around West Philadelphia on the Hoopty. I drop off drugs and find a perch on my friend's porch. I have no plans for the next hour, so I sit out in the cool night and we talk about life. We talk about life and relationships and the future until my phone rings. It's a pleasant evening with a light misty rain. I swing a leg over my bicycle and float home toward my attic abode.

I pulled her close. It's better now.

Ah, fuck. Fuckity fuck that fucking email. Me and words don't stop. I can't just quit with the words and let nature take its course.

As I laid in bed last night, my mind drifted back to the words. My stupid email. All I needed to do was write the words and put them right in the trash. But I didn't. I hit 'send' instead and I felt like a real idiot. I used big words, pegged myself as a wuss, and probably sounded condescending and naive all at once.

But it worked. It worked! I placed my hands at her sides and pulled her close to me. I kissed her and held her head to my chest. It's better now. Somehow it's even better than it was. My words had a resonance. Our senseless breakup fell to the floor. We're back together. If we break up again, at least there will be an actual reason. It was the breaking up while deeply in love that itched like rancid madness.

Truthful words. Well wishes.

I had a lot of thoughts when I got home from work. I had a lot of words and phrases. I had bits of communication that I wanted to impart. 

I wrote Kristin an email. It was up in the air whether I wanted her to visit me again. I don't relish torture, so this was a tough decision. I can see the girl that I desperately want to see, but it might feel better if I just stick my dick in a garbage disposal. Or do acid and jump off a fucking roof. 

It was tempting, but I decided it might be better not to see her: a little bit of space; a lot less pain. Instead of being rude, I just constructed the email. Truthful words. Well wishes.

Really not so great...

Notta great mood. Thought I might try some mushrooms, but decided to probably wait until it's warm outside. I ate mac n' cheese and stared at a laptop until bedtime. Really not so great.

Visiting a girl I used to know.

I went to Kristin's. I sat on her bed and awkwardly persisted to be a version of myself. All the same, except sitting on some girl's blankets. 


When someone leaves the room, what you don't want to do is look at their email. The tab was open, and I didn't want to look at it. She's back on OkCupid. Fuck. Fuck that was fast. It's none of my business, and I felt like I punched myself in the stomach. I felt sick, and I wanted to run away. I wanted to go home and stop talking. I didn't want to be mean, I just wanted to preserve my own feelings and take care of myself. Instead, I opted to shut the fuck up and be cool about drowning. It's ok. These are the rules. She ditched the best guy ever for a dice roll on a dull-normal. I don't like her odds, and I don't like the way I'm feeling. 


The night was nice. I liked being with her, and wondered if this would be the last time.

Feeling shitty and learning about propane.

I'm feeling like shit about Kristin. I don't need to get back together, I just want to feel normal again. I researched more bullshit about off-grid housing. Wood stoves are out; installing my own propane system is in. I care about my health, and a certain article gave me pause.

I could be better.

I feel kind of like a ghost. I'm watching myself from beside myself and observing my emotions. Kyler is a good guy. he knew I was feeling terrible and he gave me a hug and invited me to hang out in his garden this week. it's going to be okay.

Working, saving.

I've been working some 9-hour days. I'm scraping along on eBay having already sold my best hoarded nonsense. I'm still making enough to deposit entire paychecks into the savings plan.

Console me, friend.

"Awww, man..... there's other fish in the barrel..... you just have to shoot 'em"

When I'm a little bit sad, it's words like these that replace grief with relief. I'm glad to know the people who I know.

Money. I'm doing pretty good here.

I'm getting older and trying to stay true to myself. I don't want to trade my precious conscious time on Earth. You can't trade me that for a bucket of bullshit. No deal.

I'm thinking - as always - about the Van-Land Savings Plan. It's a good plan with a dumb name. Where will I end up? West Chester, Philadelphia? Somewhere else? When I have $10,000 I'll start looking closer. Until then, it doesn't matter much. No money, no land. I'll have nearly $3,000 by the end of the month. I have no idea how that's possible. I know that it helps to quit drinking and start taking Adderall. But these numbers seem suspect. I double checked: yes - I'm doing pretty good here.

Tacos, hours, smoking. I'm good.

It's good. I'm happy.

The shop is open more hours now with the warm weather coming. I worked a long shift and stopped by a friend's house for a smoke and some talking. I made tacos and downloaded some TV shows. It's alright.

Research study = $125

I'm talking to Jim. In the kitchen. We're catching up in our kitchen as he smokes a cigarette and I yap my jaw loose.

I participated in a research study at UPenn today. I traded some blood and my time for $125. They also did an MRI.

Generally flummoxed jackass = me.

I fully lost my shit several times today. I screamed "motherfucker" at a printer about six times because it wasn't plugged in. I printed my own shipping labels - which is great - and then went apoplectic when some photo files were corrupted.

More boxes than food.

I ate 2 pbjs in 2 days. Maybe a cookie or something.

I drove out to Kennett with too many boxes in a beat up van.

Different futures break up the present.

I broke up with Kristin. I went kind of explanatory and catatonic. Plans and exact science made no space for feelings or emotion. We have different futures. She picked the scab, and then we had to talk about it. Those different futures leaked back in time to destroy the present.

She stayed over. I didn't look at her. I tried not to touch. I went to bed early and didn't say much or move unless I absolutely had to. I was frozen. Sunken and frozen in place. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I should be with someone who wears practical shoes. I should be with someone who wants to get dirty and sleep outside. It doesn't mean I don't love her.

Now I'm focused on the Van-Land Savings plan, and that seems to have dredged up an old conversation: the future. We're good now, but we'll have different needs later. I knew that. She's a smart cookie too. I don't want to lose this friendship. We have this great strong wonderful communication. I want to keep her under my arm and relish any connection we can retain.

And I want to feel okay. I don't want to sadly conclude it.

Poker Night

Poker night. The buy-in was $10. I smoked and had a good time, and nobody cared all that much about the game. I lost $3 and went home happy.

Selling a Centera.

Selling a black and yellow "Centera" bicycle out of the back of my van. $80.

eBay business is good.

Today was mostly a day off. I took some photos of another bicycle for Craigslist, and listed a frame pump I found laying around in my van. The eBay business is great. I've made much more with eBay recently than with my real job as a manager-mechanic-ish guy. The only thing to slow me down is running out of parts to sell. The big swap meet is a month and a half away, and I'm already daydreaming about spending my ass off to invest in a (fingers crossed) huge payday.

I bought some shipping supplies online that will make shipping easier. When the next batch of auctions is finished, I will attempt to delve into the world of shipping from home. All I have to figure out is printing labels and buying postage online. A package scale and a fat stack of boxes in a useful size are on the way. I'm also getting comfortable with knowing what factors effect shipping costs, and how to estimate and package items efficiently.

I'm back to full time hours at the bicycle shop. We're getting busy as the weather gets nice again. With eBay and Craigslist sales generating a decent income, I might be able to stash the entire sum of my paychecks into the Van-Land Savings Plan.

Listing eBay. No stone unturned.

I worked somewhat steadily from 1pm to midnight. I listed 29 auctions for the bicycle shop, and about 10 more items for myself. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for personal bicycle parts that are worth any money. But listing items has become easy, and I'm content to sell a few things too cheap if a few more things make some money. It adds up, and I'm leaving no stone unturned.

I started to get tired and cross-eyed, but I picked through the pile of parts and it felt great to be finished.

Working hard and looking at wood stoves.

I'm going to be selling stuff on eBay for the Bicycle Shop now. It will be a supplemental income, and I'm looking to take advantage of all opportunities. We worked out a fair cut, and I do all the work.

It's 7:21pm. My van is packed to the brim with bicycles to sell on Craigslist and a batch of tools and parts to sell for the shop. I will be busy as hell tomorrow. I will be busy, but it won't be stressful. It's not like I'm working in a coal mine or something. I'll be snapping photos and drinking coffee with a computer in my lap. I can do that.

I found a wood stove that should work nicely for a medium-sized decommissioned transit bus. It even has a cute name: The Sardine.

Ordering wings to stuff myself.

Grubhub is totally boss. Click a few buttons, wings show up, no talking to anyone. It could only get easier if they slipped it though the mail slot. 

Savings and Penn Studies

Studies get you money. I signed up for a study being conducted at Penn University where they dig into the details of your dialect. I'm required to make 12 calls for 10 minutes each. If I do that, I'll get paid $150. Every bit counts.

I'm saving hard for the Van-Land Savings Plan. I'm beyond my goals, and I've surpassed my expectations. If I stay on track, I'll be successful sooner than I ever thought possible. But I still have a road ahead.

At 7:21pm I'm talking to Bob about today's topic: holiday traditions. We try hard to keep talking. We pass the ball back and forth coming up with new things to say for the whole ten minutes. He sounds older, and I sound drastically different with every person I talk to. I hope that helps...

Smoke n' cheese.

I came home and my house smelled like cigarettes. Smoke doesn't bother me, but I guess my roomie started up again.

If you spend $.50 on macaroni, I guess you can expect it to stick to the pot real bad. I put in the cheeze and dealt with it.

Wings Night at Victory Brewing in Downingtown, PA

Wings are half price, and I have my family around me.

Jitter's Bar in West Chester, PA.

It's Taco Tuesday, and it's at Jitter's which is a shitfuck bar in West Chester. Everyone in my presence seems decent, but I might just hop out a window.

I'm a pretty damn decent person.

I'm really not all that bad. Maybe I can be a little bit of a dick, but in the big scheme I think I'm alright. I'm a nice guy. I try. I'm not going to defend myself too hard, 'cause I think I'm fine. In fact, I think I'm a pretty damn decent person.

Su Tao in Malvern. My favorite place to eat.

This is a good one. This is a good night. A nice array of people who I care about are assembled around a table. Bottomless plates of gourmet vegan food surround us on three sides. One side has dessert, and another side has a sushi section. Everything is good.

Mac n' cheese n' Lucky Charms.

Mac n' Cheese? Lucky Charms? Prison Break? Makes for a swell evening. As predicted, the person interested in buying a bicycle - who contacted me through Craigslist - did not bother to show up at the agreed upon time or give me a call. Predictable. I continued to eat more Lucky Charms to celebrate.

Eating cereal and making fish necklaces.

I have a necklace with plastic neon fish beads. I made it for myself. I get plenty of comments on it, presumably because most people who aren't 7-year-old girls don't wear stuff like this.

7:21pm. I'm eating cereal and making more fish necklaces.

Tandem sales are my new bag.

I got a new connection. Nice and local. Friendly and affordable. I sat around for awhile to chat, but had to excuse myself to sell a tandem.

Tandem:
Bought for: $100
Work into it: $0. (Five mins of adjustments and a wipe-down).
Sold for: $250

Also:
My apartment/room rent: $250 (which I just paid an hour earlier).

And the joy of rolling a tandem bicycle out of the van's side doors to show it to a prospective buyer? Notable. My van is currently a full-on Craigslist showroom.