Wednesday, August 31, 2016

At this time I'm vapor.

I'm sitting in the basement in my office-like corner. I'm looking at my plans fade to shapes and shades. My head is full of mayonnaise. I'm asleep with wide eyes, forgetting how to breathe.

I would drink right now, but I can't stand up. If I stand up now, I'll have nowhere to go.

There are no conclusions here. There is nothing to fix.

I might rather feel miserable; a solid place to put my hat. But at this time I'm vapor, and it clatters to the floor.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Chris not sure about your last post and how you're feeling but I would like to say I just reread your cycling blog about going across country I enjoyed it very much I felt like I was there I got a big chuckle out of your Trail nickname of party socks thanks for keeping the links on your blog Ray naptown USA

Chris Harne said...

Thanks for the compliment on the touring writeup. Hopefully I'll be doing another long tour with a writeup in the next couple years.

The last post isn't about anything so bad. The end of the day has a potential for being foggy with a chance of anxiety. Overall I'm well.

I was picturing how inconsequential my existence is in the big picture, like I'm as important or even visible as a human-sized cloud of vapor. If a person is happy or depressed, that's at least self-important enough to make it feels like you matter. But when you're having existential thoughts, and you are not positive or negative, it can be as though you don't exist. I pictured being a cloud of vapor and trying to wear a hat. It would pass right through me like I was Ghost Dad.

I guess it doesn't sound very happy. But it wasn't designed to sound very sad. I started out writing about bicycles and hiking, but I liked this last bit, so I edited it and cut out the rest, and trust me it was boring. The hat part actually amused the hell out of me, and I felt cheered up.

Right now I should be working, but instead I'm goofing around. That means life's alright.

Best,
Chris