I have an issue. My brain doesn't work the normal way. It's all the ADHD I have. I am over the idea of thinking it will fix itself. I want to be productive. I want to act on all of the great creative projects and ideas I have. At the same time, just a short and simple task list will cripple me. Give me one small thing to accomplish, and I will feel inundated and afraid. Being unproductive makes me upset, frustrated and anxious.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I quit drinking. I've quit drinking a handful of times, and each time it is my sincere hope that it will allow me to be more productive. I want progress, and I want to see my plans and projects come to fruition. After a few months of sobriety, I realize that I am still just as incapable of accomplishing the smallest tasks, and I come to the conclusion that alcohol was not responsible. Then I drink some. Then I drink more. Then I'm wasted every night for a very long time until I hurt myself and repeat the cycle.
I don't want to repeat this. I need help! My life is pretty good, but god how I need help with this! I should be in a support group for the alcohol thing, but I'm going to skip that. I'm done drinking forever. Boom. For the unproductive brain that is easily crippled into inaction, I want help. I love myself, and I love what I've accomplished in life - but I am recognizing clearly that I will always fall far short of my potential. Far short.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid in 6th grade. I got some pills for it, but I was immediately like "fuck this noise! I don't need a pill to change how I am!" The diagnosis and the medication were presented in the worst possible manner at the worst possible time in my life. It was the right fix at the wrong time - and it would not have helped my social problems which only time would cure.
Now? I still have that same ADHD - I'm sure of it - but now I'm receptive to help. I am ready to accept that something isn't right. Nothing I've tried to do for myself has helped. People take medication for this, and I'm open to seeking potential solutions. No more soap box of flimsy ideals.
I tried a Ritalin today. One tiny pill. I was a task machine, and I can't believe how well it worked. I felt like my normal self, but I completed a long list of errands that I've been putting off and fretting over for weeks. It was easy. I was calm, and the feeling of accomplishment was rewarding and enjoyable.
I'm going to see a psychiatrist and be open minded about the opinions of a professional for once.