Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I need help! This is about seeking solutions.

I have an issue. My brain doesn't work the normal way. It's all the ADHD I have. I am over the idea of thinking it will fix itself. I want to be productive. I want to act on all of the great creative projects and ideas I have. At the same time, just a short and simple task list will cripple me. Give me one small thing to accomplish, and I will feel inundated and afraid. Being unproductive makes me upset, frustrated and anxious.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I quit drinking. I've quit drinking a handful of times, and each time it is my sincere hope that it will allow me to be more productive. I want progress, and I want to see my plans and projects come to fruition. After a few months of sobriety, I realize that I am still just as incapable of accomplishing the smallest tasks, and I come to the conclusion that alcohol was not responsible. Then I drink some. Then I drink more. Then I'm wasted every night for a very long time until I hurt myself and repeat the cycle.

I don't want to repeat this. I need help! My life is pretty good, but god how I need help with this! I should be in a support group for the alcohol thing, but I'm going to skip that. I'm done drinking forever. Boom. For the unproductive brain that is easily crippled into inaction, I want help. I love myself, and I love what I've accomplished in life - but I am recognizing clearly that I will always fall far short of my potential. Far short.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid in 6th grade. I got some pills for it, but I was immediately like "fuck this noise! I don't need a pill to change how I am!" The diagnosis and the medication were presented in the worst possible manner at the worst possible time in my life. It was the right fix at the wrong time - and it would not have helped my social problems which only time would cure.

Now? I still have that same ADHD - I'm sure of it - but now I'm receptive to help. I am ready to accept that something isn't right. Nothing I've tried to do for myself has helped. People take medication for this, and I'm open to seeking potential solutions. No more soap box of flimsy ideals.

I tried a Ritalin today. One tiny pill. I was a task machine, and I can't believe how well it worked. I felt like my normal self, but I completed a long list of errands that I've been putting off and fretting over for weeks. It was easy. I was calm, and the feeling of accomplishment was rewarding and enjoyable.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist and be open minded about the opinions of a professional for once.

7 comments:

Shogun said...

I may have it too! I can't seem to accomplish anything but I have a lot to do. Lists help but not for everything. Which corner are they selling Ritalin on these days?

Three Speed said...

I don't know where to get Ritalin unless you have a friend with a prescription. My initial plan was to get Modafinil from India. That's a similar drug which is often prescribed off-label for ADHD in the US.

I decided to go by the book and talk to a psychiatrist and get a legit diagnosis and prescription. Should be like $110 for the first visit, $60 for any necessary subsequent visits, and $10 per month or so for the pills. Incredibly well worth it.

I'm juggling 50+ eBay auctions and full time work. I think that would ruin me normally, but I'm able to take it confidently in stride right now. Maybe you do have ADHD, and maybe a low-dose Ritalin might help. If so - it's well worth the effort. But there's a catch 22 involved. When you're not medicated, you might be too ill-organized and procrastinate too much to ever GET the help you want... been there.

Is this Malik?

Hey, man.

Chris

Three Speed said...

I don't know where to get Ritalin unless you have a friend with a prescription. My initial plan was to get Modafinil from India. That's a similar drug which is often prescribed off-label for ADHD in the US.

I decided to go by the book and talk to a psychiatrist and get a legit diagnosis and prescription. Should be like $110 for the first visit, $60 for any necessary subsequent visits, and $10 per month or so for the pills. Incredibly well worth it.

I'm juggling 50+ eBay auctions and full time work. I think that would ruin me normally, but I'm able to take it confidently in stride right now. Maybe you do have ADHD, and maybe a low-dose Ritalin might help. If so - it's well worth the effort. But there's a catch 22 involved. When you're not medicated, you might be too ill-organized and procrastinate too much to ever GET the help you want... been there.

Is this Malik?

Hey, man.

Chris

Shogun said...

Hey Chris
Wow. Glad to hear its working for you. That what your doing, I'd be lost... Really! It's hard for me to finish almost anything. I started studying a language a few years ago and haven't made much progress.
I've also been diagnosed with Lyme Disease which can also play a part in loss of concentration etc.
Yes it me, Malik.

Shogun said...

Just a joke about what corner to find Ritalin. Actually I'm afraid I'd become addicted. But if it really works, I'd try it via prescription.

Mike said...

Chris, if you are talking alcohol, I have been there done that. About 1 yr 4 months since last drink. Went to AA for a year, and counseling. Did not buy into all the AA bullshit, but used what I wanted. Good discussion link on stopping drinking is here: (non AA) http://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking and here is one for AA http://www.reddit.com/r/aarecovery/

I have no experience with ADHD

-Mike

Ryan said...

You are definitely making the right decision by seeing a doctor. I struggled with depression for many years before just giving in and getting help. Wish I would have done it sooner.