I went to a party at Shelly/Arden's apartment. I'm so happy to have these friends. I'm so happy with my close proximity to these humans. And the dog.
The theme was make-your-own pizza. I brought Kristin and she showed me how friendly people are supposed to smile and behave. Being sober is still a challenge at gatherings like this. I feel alienated and aloof. I'm not the goofy-silly person I've been trying so hard to dress like. I'm not exuding the same energy as the caricature of myself in my head. I once did. I don't know if that energy will find me again. Now I'm a bit less wild and a bit more of a silliness enthusiast. Wild in theory. A quiet connoisseur of the off-kilter.
I stood with a jar of water and saved the wine and liquor for the others. It's not that I didn't have a good time. It's that I had to be eased into the boiling kettle slowly with slightly squinted eyes. I didn't have the luxury of a six-Bud-Ice head start. I couldn't simply dive in. It's all in my head. I know that.