I was seeing somebody for four months. We broke up. I broke up with them two days ago, and last night we talked calmly and the breakup really set in. Now I am back on the ocean, adrift. I feel nauseous. I feel hopeful, but mostly horrible. I keep replaying pieces of the last four months in my mind. There is no button for Stop. I am always going to be okay no matter what. There is no button for Fast Forward. (Life is evidently more complex than a VCR.)
When I arrived in Austin, I was full of hope. This is the opportunity which I created to start fresh. It still is. I can't talk about the relationship now. Another person's privacy; I can't right now anyway.
I am fighting to find a new track and stay on it. I am begging the universe.
I stayed at their apartment almost every night. Our lives got massively intertwined almost immediately. Beautifully at times. Now I am in detox. I broke up because logic told me to, not because we couldn't have been together longer. I broke up because my gut told me to find the courage to do what ought to be done. We are different people who need different things.
It feels less like pulling off a band-aid and more like creating a fresh wound.
I hope I am able to find the track. I feel like I am close. I have every single ingredient, I just need to learn how to cook.